The Book of Tiny Prayers

My first book, The Book of Tiny Prayers, is finally ready.

When I began blogging in 2011, I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do, where I wanted the writing to take me. I’ve wanted to be an author for as long as I can remember. But you know, the saying goes - “Tell God your plans and watch Him/Her laugh.” Based on the relationship God and I have, I thought the first book was supposed to be very different. I thought the book was going to be a mashup of the blog posts.

I was wrong.

God had a different idea.

Some of these prayers were posted on my timeline years ago. They were posted out of love. There was an immediate response. A friend of mine told me to gather these and hold on to them. Others wanted them in a book. Instead, I held them close.

I decided I would gather all them. I let them sit for four (4) years. Then I started writing the book. I wrote. I wrote the book at least three times. It just felt off. I kept writing and re-writing. But it wasn’t the book. I wasn’t listening.

One evening, I surrendered to the idea that the prayers were the first book - that while I could choose another path, it wouldn’t be the right one. So I gave in. The prayers and the surrounding thoughts were written in a weekend in 2015.

Then I quietly put it away.

I came back to it yearly. I debated. I wondered “who am I to create a prayer journal?” It’s a massive undertaking, right? I mean, I’m on the hook here with God and people searching for God. Prayer and God are serious topics. There was the voice of doubt. I should’ve known that the devil likes to stay busy. But I was yielding to that position. It’s that voice that tells you that you’re unworthy. And this is the trick - we all think we’re unworthy when we’re not. The world tells you you have to be perfect to fellowship with God. The world tells us we have to have to have it all perfect before we put our work out there. The world is ready to close in on us with the first mistake. I was listening to this. I was afraid. I’m not perfect. I’m not a model Christian. I’m just me but I love God fiercely. We’re friends.

All of those doubts were a lie. I know that now. I also know I needed to let this sit and that now is the time to give it to you.

I’ve combed this journal over and over. These tiny prayers. The prayers of only a whisper through tears. Prayer has saved me. My faith has saved me. This little journal saved me. After months of not looking at it, I would pick it up and it would sing to me in my doubt. It would strengthen me. It’s been speaking to me since I wrote it - loudly. The work chose me and I’m thankful.

The work always chooses us.

Now I offer this work to you.

This journal is meant to be a place to pray. To leave your thoughts. A paper altar. A place to keep your dreams and concerns. It’s a journal for people of all faiths. A book to share with friends and loved ones. Something to mill over in the mornings or in the late nights. I hope to see what you’re doing with your journals.

You can purchase The Book of Tiny Prayers via pre-sale here.

Please know you’re enough. Know that God wants to have a conversation with you. Know that God believes in you.

I pray this work will be a blessing and that you’ll share it with others.

Pray for others. Pray for yourself. Pray with me. Pray with others.

Remember, I’m praying for you and with you too.

With love and humility,

Raegan

Gratitude : An Untitled Report on 2018

I'd like to open 2019 with a sort of report.  Of loss and gratitude.  Of progress.  Of things coming together and that I'm well.    I haven't been here to write since May of 2017 - and all of you still stop by to read and say hello, send emails and for that -  I appreciate you.  I'm thankful for your presence in the social media spaces and for those who I've met offline.  

I believe 2019 is a year of action.  A year to do things.  A year to stop telling everyone the plan and executing the plan.  A year to stop explaining ourselves when we want to do something good for ourselves, our families and our communities.   Across my circle of friends this has been the constant theme - DO.  Make.  Build. Action.  

I'm still working on my vision board.  I'm working on my word for the year.  I don't have it yet but that's ok.  
2018 was a monumental year in several ways.  Rites of passage took place.  Getting to a place of acceptance took place.  The beginning of coming into my own took place.... 

My mother passed away.  There's no easy way for me to put that in writing. I just have to say it.  There was no easy way to tell my friends and family what was coming.  There's no easy way to tell you here.  It's a rite of passage.  It's a great loss.  While she had been a trooper with a series of illnesses (I called her a tank very often b/c not much could take her down) for a long time, not much can prepare you for those moments.  You know it's coming.  It's the when that fucks with you.  It's the how.  

Nothing can prepare you to sit with a parent as they leave this earth.  Even when the relationship is difficult, you'll miss them.   Even through the regrets you'll wonder if maybe they saw the real you.  I think she did.  I hope she also felt seen and loved.   I'm thankful she's not suffering.  I keep thinking she's likely on the other side smoking Kools, in a fabulous wig with her face beat to the gods, drenched in expensive perfume and drinking a Pepsi. Best clothes.  Music playing.  Bracelets clinking to the movement.  Dancing.  Laughing.  At her peak.    I'm sure this is how I'll see her when I cross over.  I'm also certain my grandparents were waiting to see her.  I'll forever be thankful for her being as difficult, as talented and beautiful as she was.  The lessons learned from her have been priceless.  The lessons - while hard won, made me much of who I am today. By fire and reluctance but here I am.  She was tough as fuck.  I can tell you that for sure.  She happened to make me strong and creative and I'm thankful for her life.  I'm still processing this loss. Mostly processing what I believe I missed out on, but I press on.  But know that I'm ok and healing (from all of it).

Work was tolerable and it’s been good to me. The projects were crazy, but my team was the saving grace.  The hours remain ridiculous.  However, the raise and the skills I've acquired have made it worth it.  I actually got this raise that made me ask them “Wait. How much?” I’m thankful. Honestly the job has given me more confidence than before and has honed my ability to take a large scale idea and break it down.  Note to self: this will come in handy later.

Acceptance. I wholly accepted the idea that no matter how badly you may want a situation, a thing or a relationship with a specific person - it may simply not be for you.  It may never happen.  Trying to keep it or maintain it may do more harm than good and you'll have to unravel it all - or just burn the bridge entirely.  As they say "did you burn the bridge or clear the path?" There's a way to resign from things, be thankful for the moments and walk away.  I did.  Quietly.  With no fanfare.  

New spaces and exploration. I rented an art studio.  Yes. You read that right - an art studio.  While in some random epiphany processing some level of anger, it came to me I should be making more art.   I haven't been working at home on my shit.  I've been recovering at home  I needed a new space.  I needed a new place to create.  I took part of the raise and put it towards another version of self-care which for me is moving forward towards my dreams.  So I rented a small art studio. At some point I’ll do a series of photos and a little video tour but I’m still putting it together and finding my way. I spent part of my weekend in there organizing and pulling it together.  I'll spend part of tonight looking through the IKEA catalog and plotting for ways to make a space that invites me to create. A space where I can tinker and fuck around and figure shit out. I've been anticipating what I'll learn in this next year from this space, from my interactions and how I’ll grow. I expect miracles.

Breakfast with Minutes. Me and one of my friends have been going to breakfast (breffis around here). These breakfasts have saved me. We go to all sorts of random spots. Is it open early? Is the food good? We take meeting minutes. This is the shit moguls are made of and I’m thankful for these moments. We talk a lot of shit and then get to planning and bouncing ideas. We also turn these into day trips and cases of wine.

Commercial displays and shit. My photos are being featured soon in a commercial space.  **more to come later on this one. can't give it all away*

I completed something. whispers “the book is done” *soul clap* I finished the book.  It's small and sweet.  And it’s fulfilling. I think it’s bigger than what I understand but we’ll see when you get your hands on it. Final edits and layout are taking place but I truly am looking forward to sharing it with you and what it means to me.  Don’t ask me when it’ll be out. I ain’t got that date. I’m going to quietly drop that shit on the TL or here one night. (I highly recommend you sign up for email updates - shameless plug).

Rapid Fire List. I started painting again and working in mixed media. I bailed on planting in the community garden.  (planning to try again). I made lots of amazing food, drank cases of wine. I hit the wineries (see cases of wine above). I swam in the ocean for the first time in many years and am officially addicted.  I brought home shells I found. I got into oil diffusers and oils - life changing. I took a metals class and made shit.  I took a cooking class and finally used my 70 year old cast iron skillet my grandmother owned.
I rearranged my apartment several times.  I decided on the things I wanted and didn't want anymore.  
I laid on my yoga mat a lot. I made new friends.  I rekindled old friendships.  I hope to do more of that this year too. 

Travel. I went to Jamaica and believe it's where part of my soul was created.  It reminded me so much of Lagos - but closer and I can't stop thinking about it or trying to figure out how to get back there.  I made it to Philly a few times and realized the importance of good friends on road trips and kidnapping your friends some days.

Reluctance. I admitted to myself there are some dreams I have that are going to require me to be vulnerable.   I also had to admit those dreams and goals were still something I wanted and not just a fleeting idea.  That the dreams themselves were worthy of light and acknowledgement.

Lofty ass goals, dreams & shit. In the coming year, I've set some AMAZING LOFTY ASS BIG FUCKING GOALS and have new projects to share.  I'm not about to give it away now but just know - BIG AMAZING SHIT IS COMING.

Gratitude. In this moment, I feel nothing but gratitude.  Above all else, I'm thankful.  Thankful for it all.  I'm thankful for this moment.  I'm  thankful for the moments to come.  I'm getting back to myself, coming into myself, becoming myself. 

Freedom. Here's to a year of peeling off the layers and getting and being free.  

Love, 
Rae

Notes on Change, Being Fed Up and Overall Exhaustion

In September of last year, I hoped I could salvage the year.  I was reasonably optimistic about it.  

Needless to say, it didn't work.  The year managed, up until the very last minute, to take its toll and get everything it could from me short of killing me.  

For that, I'm thankful.  

Today, I'm sitting here thinking and thankful, that through the suffering of the year - mostly private suffering, I made it out to tell the tale. Challenges in every area of my life - simultaneously. I'll rarely say its too much,  but the year that shall not be named exhausted me.  It pulled on me in ways I didn't know were possible simultaneously.

So I did what any person attempting to keep their sanity and make it to another day would do, what humans have done across time, across the lands - I checked the fuck out.  

I've been flying the flag at half mast lately.  A sign that I've surrendered but the fight isn't over. I learned a few things over the year that shall not be named - mostly how important it is to take care of ourselves.  

See, I'm one of those people who keeps going until I can't.  The way my psyche deals with things is I'm together for as long as I need to be together.  You know those scenes in the movie where a character runs as fast and hard as they can, until their destination and once there they collapse?  That's what happened.  I got over the finish line and collapsed. 

The calls and the requests come in to do things, for help and I've been able to barely answer the phone.  There's more no then there is yes.   I've had to design it that way to stay mentally and emotionally afloat.  

In this healing and recovery process, I've found my solitude is the one thing I can count on to resolve the majority of issues I've had.   I never knew how important it could be, but its what's on the menu these days.  I may not go out, but those who I love, tend to stop by and say hello and I'm thankful for it.  

I don't know if there's really a purpose to this post?  Maybe just to encourage you to go and sit down somewhere and deal.  Sometimes, it helps to stay busy and then other times, its all you can do to get out of bed.  Weekends have been my refuge.  Time off that's pending will be my future refuge.  There are other things that will change soon enough as well and that will also provide refuge.  

Maybe that's the point - to seek refuge.  Wherever and however you can.  In these times, we all need it.  I forsee we'll need to be our own refuge.  By healing, you can also provide it for others when needed.  I think that's the goal.  Suffering doesn't last always.  being fed up doesn't last always.  Being exhausted isn't a permanent state.  

In putting my home back together, in circling back and beginning to tackle those things that have worried me over the years, I'm finding refuge.  In learning, in making and in being creative - there's refuge.  

With refuge and rest comes great creativity when we arise from the ashes.  I pray this message will find you well.... or mending and in good spirits.   May I offer you hope for this week and the weeks to come.

With love, 

Rae

Saving September, Salvaging 2016 and Our Foundations

I will pull my shit together....

Dear Lord, please help me pull my shit together.

2016 has kept me on my toes.  This year has been a teacher of all things life-related. In no uncertain terms, I believe the year is a miracle and there are still miracles yet to be uncovered. 

To be mildly transparent and honest,  the year has been one large war.  I've won some battles and lost others.  I've even surrendered a time (or nine).  To be honest, it's been a continuous challenge in so many ways.  

But lately, as in the last two weeks, I've been privy to seeing messages all around me about speaking life.  From tweets to sermons, sweet conversations and moments,  happy hour karaoke (I recently realized I love karaoke with the right crew), God by way of the Universe has been on my ass about the narrative I'm speaking and repeating to myself. 

I recently had to ask myself "what do you want?" After laying there for a moment, I realized I'd in some ways relinquished some of my most critical and important dreams. I'd let them fall by the wayside - unintentionally. 

I'd like to take a quick moment here to say sometimes it's just fine when we choose to retire our dreams.  Every dream isn't for every season.

However, where did I leave the ones I didn't retire?  Why?  What happened to change my mind about wanting certain things, or to be somewhere or be with someone (the one)?  Dreams deferred?  I'm not sure in some ways.  

Sarah Jakes recently spoke about this space where we're afraid to hope and learning to speak and breathe life into dead things, dead situations and it's easily been one of the most powerful things I've heard.  I had to wonder what had happened over these last months.

Disappointment, personal challenges, loss, frustration, what we perceive as dead dreams or things that may have went wrong and didn't turn out the way we wanted..... trouble at home, trouble at work... trouble within yourself... health challenges.  Combine all of these at one time and then there's something that can just break you.  

Before you know it, a person who is normally happy, is normally able to withstand anything is now a person who's lost their way and sometimes their will.  

I know this too well because I've been living it - weariness and hopelessness that can overtake you in a way that makes everything feel like it's going wrong.  

How did I make it to the other side?  The right people, rest, tons of pain, many hours of tears and prayer, counseling, physical therapy and countless cases of wine.  It's been work.  It's been some of the hardest work I've ever done and it's been worth it. 

What I've learned in reaching the other side is - maybe there's a reason for all of this...sometimes we get to these true valleys and managing to get back to a level point gives us an advantage to see what we couldn't before.  What I do know is, I'm changed for the better from having made it through these things.  

I also know for sure I've heard myself say some things, speak some narratives that haven't been the best for me.  I need to correct it.  I need to make changes.  

Given all of this, it literally smacked me in the face earlier this week that I need to continue to elevate the way I care for myself -- and my spirit.  I  will speak more life.  I will speak more on what I want. I will make great decisions for my life.  I will believe in myself.  I will have more joy. I will talk about what CAN manifest and what's truly possible.  To speak in terms of the positive.  To meditate and think on the good things I want, need and love.  I will set affirmations.  I'll do things that make me feel good.  I'll spend time with the people who I love and love me.  I'll live more fully.  I'll encourage others.  I'll do my best.  I will pull my shit together. 

The idea for the month is to work on giving ourselves a stronger foundation, to salvage what we can, to create our best lives.  To speak more life and do things in a manner giving us room to be more fulfilled.  

September is the month to continue my turnaround... to salvage the year and set the tone for the years to come.  Please join me with #RescueOur2016.

As it goes, we all we got.  You're the only you there is and God has a plan for you, for all of us. 

I pray our month will be great and lead us to fresh moments and perspectives and all that God has for us.  This month is the beginning of manifested dreams. I feel it and believe it. 

With Love, 

Rae

P.S.  There's a publishing date set for the book!  I'll keep you all posted! 

A Monday Kind of Love 4.4.16 Edition

Monday is here....As if this ever changes.  

Monday creeps up so quietly with this looming dread - at least it has for me lately.  I've been working on finding ways to inspire myself amidst the mundane work and hustle that's been my Monday over the last few months.  Even if that something is to get me out of my comfort zone.  And Lord have I been out of my comfort zone.   The reality is, I'm always searching for the good, for the beautiful.  I'm consistently looking for people who are living their lives and making a difference in a way I hope and believe is possible - it's just they've manifested it or are in process of manifesting it.  We all need to keep a reserve of the people and things that inspire us.  This series is a documentation of mine.  

Carrie Mae Weems

Carrie Mae Weems (Untitled, Man and Mirror, Gelatin Silver Print 28.5" x 28.5"

I've been a fangirl of Weems for some time now.  It's the way she photographs herself and stares into the camera.  A kind of daring and courage.   This is from the Kitchen series.  She's unapologetic and I'm here for it.  Most recently, she's won the MacArthur "Genius" Award in 2013 and won the National Artist Award this year.  She has a body of work spanning over 40 years.  Here are a couple of great interviews with BOMB Magazine and Corbis. 

Handmade Habitat Candles

I love the "Soothe the Soul" Candle.  I bought it here while perusing another beloved shop and have been a fan ever since.  They currently have a pop up shop here in the city!  I still need to visit and cannot wait!!  

The Art of Organized Noize - A Documentary

I sat back trying to relax last weekend and watched this and it brought back some amazing memories of ATL.  All I can say is it's a good history lesson in southern hip hop with life lessons sprinkled in.  You've gotta see how they were hustling out these beats and lyrics in the Dungeon.  The interview with Fab 5 Freddy particularly warms my heart.   You can watch the trailer HERE. Good way to get your Netflix and chill on. 

Mama's Gun

I've been listening to music in a different way lately.  I've been looking for answers and healing, for inspiration and for a road map.  Music always loves me back in this way. Listening to it to bring me across the bridge. When this album came out in 2000 I'm not sure what the hell I was doing that I didn't listen to these other songs. Maybe I wasn't there spiritually yet to pay attention when Mama's Gun came out or my ears weren't ready.  I've been listening to this album interspersed with a few other albums on a single playlist over and over  again and it's been gathering me.  

Personal faves from this album: Orange Moon and Green Eyes 

Loza Maleombho

This Ivorian beauty's designs found their way to Bey's Formation video.  I mean - can we be the same after the video?  Of course not.  I love how candid she is and visuals of her shop, her shopping for fabrics.  Pay attention to the amount she began her business with - it's a good lesson that sometimes we need less than we think we do.  Where there's a will there's a way.  

Well, these are a few of the things I've seen that've gotten me through over the last few months.  I have so many little things that all add up to get to the next day or the next moment.  I can't stress enough that we need those things to carry us through.  I used to hold so much of the good in - but there's no need.  I still may keep a few secrets because we all need and have them right?  But for the most part, we also need to know we're not alone in needing inspiration and beauty.  Even if it's just good, entirely too expensive gelato or a wonderful bargain bottle of wine.... tacos.  Notice how food is always a part of this?  I'll have to post a few eats next week.  

Please also head to the home page and sign up for the email list.  Sooner rather than later, there are some good things happening and I'd like for you guys to be be the first to know.  

May your week be filled with the renewal of Spirit spring brings, with love, with courage and with the stamina to accomplish your most important tasks.  

With Love, 

Rae

A Monday Kind of Love 3.28.16

Happy Monday to All of You!

I'm not sure about you but I literally had to pray last night and then pray my way into work.  Maybe it's the Monday blues, the post-holiday drag, all of the things that I've had going on lately or all of the above combined.  

Here's the thing, for the last few months I've been meaning to send a post out featuring things I've found and loved over the weeks.  Things that have and are keeping me sustained.  I might as well put this out into the Universe.

Good juju, chi, love, blessings on a Monday.  I would send it out on Friday, but most of us are already thankful to have made it to the end of the week.  Monday seems to be the day we all need a moment and something good to get us through.  

For this week's Monday Kind of Love, I have to choose a few things that have been healing to me over the course of the last months.  FYI - these posts aren't sponsored.  These are just things I've come to love and wanted to return the love, spread the love.

Manduka Yoga Mat Pro

So in an effort to get me back on the mat, my father in all of his infinite wisdom gave me a Manduka Yoga Mat Pro.  I received it last year as an early Christmas present.  It couldn't have arrived at a better time.  It's thick, it's amazing and it makes you want to get to the mat and work your issues out.   Not to mention, I haven't been public about it, but I've been battling a pinched nerve and Sweet Merciful Lord - being able to stretch on this mat has been everything.  I'm looking forward to it warming up and being able to get outside with it.  If you're wondering if it's worth the cost - the answer is yes.

Anything Nayyirah Waheed

Salt and Nejma rest by my beside and I've read them many an evening.  The electronic versions rest on my iPad.  They will heal you.  Buy them.  Love them.  Read them.  Give them as gift.  

We Are King

This album - from the time I heard it on the road about a month and a half ago has been rotating regularly in the car and at home.  It's the sort of album you listen to, dreaming about love to come.  It's a wonderful find.  I was so upset I missed them when they were here in DC, but they're on my radar. 

Boomscat

Both of these albums are on a playlist.  I can't say enough about these sisters as well.  They're amazingly talented.  

I'll leave you with these for this week - instant love.  I have people standing over my desk and asking for shit....

Probably doesn't help that I decided this post needed to happen at 12:38.  At any rate, look for these new posts between Sunday and Monday.  

Sometimes we need things to get us through the week.  Things that are healing, beautiful and timely.  There's enough terror and mayhem in the world.  So much so that all the good should be featured, brought to the front. So, this is my little contribution to helping us all get our shit together. 

May your week be blessed.... may you finish strong and start strong. 

With love, 

Rae

The Art of Mending Broken Things

To say I've been busy is an understatement.  It's all been a good, life-affirming style of busy. It's a busy absorbed in the details and workings of my own life which I neglected for too long, not investing enough of my own efforts into myself.  You don't realize it until things have to change or things do change.

So much movement and change.  It's been wonderful - but change is difficult. It's necessary but difficult.  That being said, I moved last week to a wonderful little space.  A move that was much desired and much needed.  In moving, I packed a few of my most precious items to make sure I didn't lose track of them. 

Then one of the boxes was damaged.  One of my most prized items - this saucer you see here - was broken.  It's a saucer my grandmother owned with an equally gorgeous green tea cup.  I stood there looking at it on the stairs as it laid there..... I didn't have time to be devastated.  I needed to gather everything that had let loose from the container - old family photos, my grandfather's discharge papers from the military after WWII, old coins, small figurines I'd been gifted, one of the only surviving photos of my parents wedding.... you know, important things. 

Out of all the things that could've broken, this was the casualty.  I sighed.  I couldn't even cry. My grandmother wouldn't want it that way (she enjoyed mending and putting things back together).  I shoved it into a tube with some artwork and then pulled it out as soon as I brought some of my things into my new place. 

Fast forward to later in the week, I was reading a random post about being broken after a break up. 

Sweet Merciful Jesus.

Let's discuss this for a moment.  For some reason it was as if the Lord had commanded the Universe to send this over to me as a reminder.   It wasn't about the saucer any longer.  It was about me. 

I had to stop and take a minute and think about it.  The word has found a home on my board at work.  The idea of being more beautiful after being broken.... to be more beautiful with my imperfections. 

This idea stopped me in my tracks.  I sat on it for a few days and I had to wrap my mind around how much MORE beautiful the items were with their new cracks and gold lines.  No two would be the same.  Nothing breaks in the same way.  

How is it that it's not a metaphor for life?  That with every hurt or disappointment, with every thing that may not work out, with the times people leave or you leave, or the moments we're hurt, the moments we find we're in the wrong and have done the breaking.... the moments we second guess ourselves and our value, that with each crack and the mending that can happen we're more valuable, more beautiful and truly a work of art - and stronger than before the break.

This moment made me cry.  There was nothing left to do but to be thankful.  I can only be thankful for the breaks, for the fuck ups, the moments I've messed up.  It's made me feel more beautiful, more worthy.  

I could do nothing but sit on my new floor that evening and be thankful for the moment I was in and all I'd been through to get to it.  A true message of renewal and just in time for the celebration of this Holy week.

God is both gracious and merciful and generous.  May His (Her) Blessings follow you in these seasons.

With Love and Gratitude, 

Rae

On 2015.... What I Learned, What I Realize I Know, What I Don't Know

Here we are the close of another year.  I'm thankful.  Every year I have a chance to see and complete is a blessing.  The older I am, the more I realize how much of a privilege it is to start and close another year.  

I won't try and make this extra long or deep.  No need.  Reaching a point of gratitude and simplicity has ended up creating a need to say less. want to do more.... I want to say less.  I want my actions and my work to speak on my behalf.  Not that words aren't important.  They have their place.  I'm a writer -- words are necessary.  They don't replace taking action.  They don't make up for what doesn't get accomplished. 

What I Don't Know...

Most days, I pretty much feel like I don't know shit.   I know a few things. Some days the pieces come together.  It's come to my attention the more I learn, the less I know. Beliefs are overturned at times.  Ways I thought things should be done are expanded.  My heart opens a bit more while still being broken and I'm surprised at how my views contract on some things and expand on others.  This means, I'm ever changing.  I realized there's so much I don't know.  I'm thankful I don't have to know it all and I can change my mind at any time.

What I Realize I Know...

God is real.  Love is real.  Love can fix a multitude of sins.  Hard work does indeed pay off. Working on behalf of yourself is always a good idea.  It's important to assist and serve people. No matter how much you want things to work out sometimes, the shit doesn't work.  We (read I) can survive when shit doesn't work out.  Writing a book is hard.    Putting a book together in its final stages is hard (well worth it but hard).  I enjoy being home way more than I should especially when I need to be out for work and to take photos.  I have a terrible potty mouth and don't plan to make any changes to it.  I'm happy to be where I am in life.  I like myself.  It's ok to have days when I'm unhappy.  People may choose not to stay and it's ok. I like planting things.  I still love to cook.  I can take on something I know absolutely nothing about, work hard and sometimes I win and other times I don't. 

What I Learned...

[wash rinse repeat of what I know - see above]

Really - more than I expected.  In taking a new job this year, I now know how hard I CAN work and the hours I CAN put in.... that I can actually get up at 3 or 4 in the morning to be somewhere.  The job has helped me hone the art of being meticulous.  This means everything.  It's prepped me and taught me I have the fortitude and stamina to get the things on my personal list done.  In fact, the hours and work alone fuel me to get all of my OWN projects completed. 

I've learned there's a whole process to being able to move past things I want and won't get - or at least not get them in the way I was thinking.  Sometimes this means a matter of coping, other times this means a matter of understanding something may not have been for me.  I've realized photography saves me in ways I didn't know it would.  It's helped me to see things differently in and outside of the craft.  I tend to be the girl who believes I'm blessed to have a glass half full, I'm excited I have a glass...photography makes me want to capture everything I see that needs to be remembered.  A person, a moment, a place.  It's also helped me be present in the moment.  A photograph is a snapshot of a moment I'll never have again.  It's unique in that no one can take the same photo again. 

I've learned when things are done in pure love, with passion you have no choice but to succeed at some point.  Just gotta hang in there. 

One other important thing the year brought to me is the need to speak up for and stand up for myself.  To be fine with the idea that some days, I may need to say things and discuss things and bring truth to light - even when it's not comfortable for others.  The art of opening my mouth and having courage to deal with whatever comes.

I've learned to care less of what others think.  This doesn't mean I don't care.  It means there's a time and a place for it.  It means there will be times no one agrees and it's just fine.  It means those who do care, I check in with them and they'll still respect me when I go a different direction.  It means I'm most worried about impressing myself (and God).

I've learned my so called fucks to give have been absolutely reallocated to myself and a few others. There comes a time when you need to choose to save yourself.

I've also learned in real time, the old saying "Hit dogs holler" is the absolute truth.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

I think to this quote every year as it turns - was this a year that answered questions or a year that asked them?  There's another series of lessons I'll save for another date, for another time. This year was without a doubt a year that answered questions.  A  year that solidified who I am and who I want to be.  There were questions that had been pending for years.  There were feelings that had not been resolved.  This year?   Foundations were laid, resolutions were had - even if I had to resolve some things wouldn't be resolved.

I can be nothing but thankful.

May your remaining days of 2015 be amazing, bring clarity and love.  Here's to 2016 being a year of building, of progress, of restoration, harvesting and planting.  

Gentle Reminders

My grandmother used to remind me about the sunrise and the sunset.  The kitchen window in Detroit was a special place.  It caught the sun every morning.   We'd stand there and talk about God as the Master Painter and how (S)He created all of the beauty we can see. It's something I always think about.  It's likely why I chase the sun and the stars all the time.

It's no small coincidence that from my the majority of the windows in my apartment, the sun rises.  I've been thankful for it.  A reminder of home, love and what's important.  As a great lesson, I was glad I took the time to get my camera this morning and get the photo.  By the time I'd left the house, the colors were gone and the sky had turned gray.  If that isn't a lesson....

These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me, I can't even lie or hide it. No point.  I've been writing.  I've been taking photos. I've had numerous calls.  I've had friends stop by.  I've sat alone quite a bit and have begun to unravel all of those heavy things I hadn't been able to process over the months.  Things that got heavy all of a sudden.  Things you ignore and then it's in your face and it can't be ignored.  I can't say it's been easy. I do know by allowing it to happen as it needs to happen, I'll avoid a virtual shut down later. I cannot afford to ignore things at this time in my life.  Not things that will likely come back to haunt me if I don't deal with them or manage them. Any important decisions that need to be made now need to be made with my future self in mind.  Maybe it's not about what's comfortable or amazing in this moment (although that's critical also) but what will set my life on track, what will bless me exponentially.

That's the difference at 40. 

The willingness to be uncomfortable for the sake of my future welfare, happiness and prosperity.  Sometimes those moments seem like they'll last forever.  Sometimes, we need to stand strong for a while just to get what we need for the sake of saving time, heartache and sanity.  These days I stand more patient to make sure I know the answers and decisions I've made are the best ones. Making the decision to be still is a blessing. It's always been a blessing.  It's always placed me in the right place at the right time and in front of and with the right people. 

The reality is my consistent thought comes down to home.  How my life is being lived, how at home I feel within myself and with the people I love.   I think about the places I've been where I've felt at home, the homes I've created and what it means for a person (or persons) to be your home.  There's also the thought of how to process all of it as life creates changes and there's a need to move things around, shift or move altogether.  It's never easy.  In the move there's always a loss of something.  Something breaks, something valuable may be misplaced - but hopefully the gain is immeasurable.  

I sometimes wish I could see how all of this pans out.  That those moments I'm stretched out matter.  Deep down I know they do (I think).  I know there's a purpose.  Or at least I remind myself of this and then channel it into the people and endeavors needing the love and attention. 

Despite my current moment of general blahs (it is just a moment), the reality is I'm incredibly blessed.  I'm so thankful to have the opportunities that have come up this year and the people who are in m y life..... all of this has been a blessing and a wonderful support through it all. 

Here's to all of the sunrises to come, the new days ahead, the makings of home and all of the makings of a good life.  I bless you.

Love, 

Rae

On Sharing Plans

I made myself a promise that I'd print my photos.  These were made using Artifact Uprising.  I surely plan to order another set.  These happen to live at work.  I need a separate set for the house.  There's something about holding photos in your hand and being able to rearrange them.

While I'm here, this post is about sharing your plans.  It's also about knowing who and when to share ideas of those plans.  

While many of us have experience with it, if you're a creative and if you're any good, putting your stuff out there, then it's possible you've had someone steal your work.  Maybe they've presented it as their own, maybe you mentioned an idea in passing and next thing you know, your idea was being churned out by someone else who had no authorization to do so.

I've had it happen to me.  I've seen it happen to some of my closest friends in business as creatives.  Things can be taken.  That's the lesson. 

We were having a conversation per our ususal on planning and who you're able to share things with.  Who will successfully support your dream and not take it.  That number is often very low.  It's a shame.  But it's the reality of business.  It's the reality of the world.  

I also believe this is where having the right people surrounding you is key.  Sometimes, we meet amazing people and we can't see them as the blessings they are.  I know I've missed out on some opportunities in the past because at the time I was too hurt to tell them my ideas much less ask them for help. 

Asking for help is its own problem.  What happens when we're met with a no?  Or a yes and no follow through?  I've learned if this is the case, we have to choose our team better.  From the closest friend to our business associates, it matters.  

My thoughts on sharing?  Know the person.  Watch them and how they do business.  If you can form a friendship, mentorship, then do that.  Get to know them.  As you're working on your next big adventure, ask their thoughts.  You're going to have to trust someone.  There's no doubt about that but trust them to help you and do right by you and your plans.  This goes for business, for love, for personal matters.  Have people around you that will make you better, nourish your dream and also tell you when you've lost your absolute mind (but will also stick right by you).

Have people present who you don't have to think twice about sharing your dream with.  No woman or man should have to walk the journey alone.  

A not-so-quick thought for Monday. 

Tell me, what are your rules for sharing plans?  For sharing the good things happening in your life? Do you hold everything close? Do you choose to only share certain plans?  Let me know your thoughts. 

Lessons on Being Selfish

Over the weekend, I'm riding with my Love and we're talking about various situations in life. Ongoing things and things that have happened.  How we're planning on handling all of the things pending at this time. 

He, per his usual said something that made a lot of sense. Gave me some good advice on how to handle things.  It basically resulted in me being more concerned about myself and less concerned with those outside of a few people.  It also comes down to being more selfish.  I had to sit and think about it last night. 

As we were talking, I mentioned that women are socialized differently.  We're in the club of service and giving and sacrifice.  We've seen our mothers and aunts do it.  We herald all the women and elevate those who dedicate their lives, time and resources fully to others.  If that's what you're called to do, there's no shame in it.   Own it. 

However, while it may be something you're called to do, there's a point when you have enough and it's time to turn the work, the charity, the understanding, the giving and the sacrifice back into ourselves.  It looks like someone asking for help and you politely refusing (and not feeling badly about it).  It looks like making hard decisions in favor of yourself and well-being (and not feeling guilty about it).  It's about making changes, moves and decisions that appear selfish to others - mostly because they cannot benefit directly or because they believe whatever that thing is you provide to their lives - there will be less of it.  

But being selfish is more about love here.  Self love.  The love paving a path allowing you to follow your dreams and live your life as unencumbered as possible.  It's the motion to do everything you can so you're the one who finally reaches her goal.  

Note: Thinking of and making moves to better your life, improve your circumstances and create the moments that make you happy are NOT selfish.  We've often been conditioned to believe we're wrong when we aren't handing over our last dollar or at the beck and call of loved ones and family.  While there may be some guilt involved (could be a lot before you get over it), it doesn't make thinking of yourself, doing for yourself wrong.  No one benefits if you're not performing at your best.  I'd like to add, along the path of growth, you'll quickly learn to discern who needs help, when and why.  Your nos will be nos and your yeses will be solid yeses. 

It's these sort of Sundays and moments that change courses for the better.  Those come to Jesus meetings our loved ones give us.  Here's to those we love who encourage us to be our best selves, who don't buck at the idea of us having the best life.  

While I cannot speak for God directly, there's something to be said for the art of self-preservation.  I mean, I can't exactly do everything I'm called to do if I'm stretched out all the time or down-trodden because I'm not looking after myself.

Goal for the remainder of the week (life): Be more selfish.  

"Know First Who You Are..."

“Know, first, who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.” 
― Epictetus

Over the last few months, I've had less time to do the things I want to do - but the good thing about this situation  is I've also learned quite a bit about myself.  

It's forced me to take the time I do have and get busy living.  It seems to be the glaring message over the last couple of years - which boils down to getting my shit done.  All of it.  All of the things I want to get done and are important and remaining.  Whatever I can get to - I want to get it done and enjoy my life.  I've said this before, but it's also extremely important to spend my time with people I adore and love.  I try my best to make those moments count for everything they mean to me.  

Which brings me to the reason for this post - anger and hilarity.  I've been watching a situation unfold over the last few months and while I've been angry it's turned into pure comedy at this point.   

It's a reminder to use anger as a driving force. Over the last year, I've also discovered a higher level of anger - or at least I've been able to admit when I'm hurt or angry.  Somewhere along the way, I've started to channel the anger - into action, into creativity, into productivity and using it to fuel the fire driving me to do those things that matter the most. 

Every time someone or something pisses me off these days, I try to be productive.  Lately it's meant taking my house apart and painting.  Sometimes it means long drives and photos.  Some of my best work has been created under what I'd think was duress but was more like a way to relieve the pressure.  Constructive movement.  I'm thankful for it.   Honestly, this is a new phenomenon.  It used to be that I'd be so angry I couldn't make moves.  With a turn of a decade, things look different.  I can be angry and still be focused and productive.  It was a matter of gaining control over my emotions.  

Note: never allow a situation or a person to make you so angry you become destructive.  

My father and I speak regularly about life and we were talking about the usefulness of anger. He told me every time someone pissed him off, he went out and made a move that benefited his life - bought a car, bought a house, finished a degree, reached a new level.  I find myself doing the same these days.   I've learned and read there are many stories like this... "I started my business when ____ made me angry."  "I began this [insert creative endeavor] when _____ happened. "   

Note II : In the past, I may have been angry at myself and not anyone else.  Angry for allowing someone to get over on me, or feeling as if I couldn't change a situation.  I forgave myself, I consistently forgive myself and I've moved on to other things.  The anger isn't always directed outwards - it can be directed inwards and that's the worst thing.  Push that shit out.  Channel it and go do good things - for yourself.  

Today, be encouraged to channel your frustration and anger into something productive for yourself, something that will benefit your life.  Fuel your productivity and creativity with the frustration, anger or disappointment.   Make good moves.  Make good decisions.  That's the best way to get even. 

"Get mad, then get over it. ” 
― Colin Powell

A Note on Perspective and Comfort Zones

Happy Labor Day Weekend Everyone! 

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about lessons from the broken camera lens and it's last shoot. Well, this is one of my favorite outtakes and peeks from the day.   It's a photo of the reflection featuring clothes by Nicole and Madeline with @socamom modeling. Artwork is by the very talented Aniekan Udofia.

First, I have to thank the designer Cherry of  Nicole and Madeline and my good friend Eva aka @Socamom  for pushing me to work on this project.  Cherry asked if I would take the photos for her new line.  I was a bit hesitant because I wasn't quite sure I'd be able to take the photos and they'd be up to my OWN standards.  

You see, I'm picky as fuck.  To put it mildly.  If I can't get something to look a certain way, it's not going to be posted. I'm not displaying it.  I hate half-assed efforts.  However, these two sisters didn't really give me a choice in the matter.  When Eva and Cherry asked it was more along the lines of you're taking the pictures so you might as well deal.  There wasn't much else I could say about it. 

Good thing they believed in my creative vision....

Let me note, the clothes Cherry makes blew me away.  I was awe struck once Eva was dressed and we were out walking. Talk about show stoppers! I have my gorgeous friend, gorgeous clothes and a good location?  I really don't think I could've taken a bad photo.  At least not in my opinion.  

Here's what it taught me, here's what this year has been teaching me....

It's time to stretch and reach out of my comfort zone.  More proof that the presence of being nervous and not being sure all the time isn't necessarily and indicator of how good you can be at something.  

Sometimes all it takes is for people to believe in you.  Other times, if you're like me, you need friends who will FORCE you to be good.  That day they taught me so much about what's possible.  It gave me a much needed glimpse of things I didn't know I could knock out of the box.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity and to have spent the day with them.  

Here's to reaching and stretching, getting things done, getting good shit done, making good work, having the right people surrounding you and following your dreams.  

Have the best of weekends!

Love, 

Rae

The Renewal of Spirit

What if it's really true that we get what we believe we deserve? 

It's funny how the last 12 months have taught me things about myself.  I'm self-aware - maybe even a little too self-aware.  Sometimes, when all of the information has come rolling in at me, I've had to shelve it.  I've had to put it on the back burner because I didn't have the time or wherewithal (I love that word) to deal, to take it all apart and still manage to function in my life.  

In my last post I wrote about how during mornings, there's no room or time to lie to myself.  Any truth I've been holding back or harboring seems to come to the forefront at pre-dawn hours.  

This morning's revelation: I've been depriving myself.

Not in the sense of actual starvation of food, but starvation from the things, moments and situations that would most benefit my life.  Fear of movement, fear of closing doors on situations, being able to say no, not settling for less, seeking out more, protecting myself and taking good care of myself.  It's so glaringly apparent now because I AM taking care of myself.  I am ready to receive all the things God has planned for me.  I've even prayed that if something isn't for me - Lord, help me to let it go.  I'm there.  

I firmly believe God blesses those who make moves.  Moves require courage. Make them.   My personal believe?  God blesses those who hustle and make moves.  You can start the project, the process and then you start to see the Divine enter and assist.  This is where you have to work.  Sweat equity.  God blesses the sweat y'all - and the tears.  

I've read many times over that we get what we negotiate, we get what we believe we deserve.  I've found in the last year or two, there's merit to this thought.   Am I perfect?  By no means.  Do I fuck up?  Regularly.  However, those things don't negate my overall value.  This has been the hardest thing to grasp during my 30s. I find it funny though because I love imperfect people and things.  I love people who aren't meeting beauty standards. I love seeing people break beauty standards.  

Who and what I find beautiful has often been odd to many.  Maybe it's the way my vision is set up.  I'd always asked God for Him to help me see and hear as He sees and hears.  I'm hoping that's what's led me to want to capture so many moments.  It's just when you have to apply those beliefs to yourself and fix and repair the things that have happened over the years it's easier said than done.  It's easier to hold on to the things you've done wrong (or at least it seems it is) than it is to forgive yourself and thrive.  For many of us, I even find succeeding and doing well - we're hiding it.  We're embarrassed to be this happy, doing this well, be this in love.  We're scared to thrive and succeed because that tells us a lot about ourselves too.  

With my faith in God, I've also realized dimming my light feels wrong.  I don't need to flaunt.  I just need to be myself. My full self. 

It tells us how we're capable.  Success puts us to task and keeps us on our toes. We're afraid that we may not be able to repeat our success.  Or we're worried we won't be able to maintain the pace, that we actually now have to do things and try harder.  

I get it.  That's been me over the last few years.  Sometimes, you're in a place and you can't quite see your way out of it.  Seeing your way out of it, you realize you've still got PTSD from the situation.  You realize you've been depriving your own spirit of all the good God has to offer.  I decided this morning, I would do my best to give myself the best and do the best by myself from here on out.  I owe that to God, my family and myself.  

I realized this morning, I'm in recovery from a deprivation of spirit and I intend to recover post haste.  There's a rebuilding happening. There's an expansion. There's no time to waste.  Life is to be lived richly.  Make good decisions.  Recover from the bad decisions. Make moves to bless your life.  Choose good people to surround you.  Love yourself fully and wholly and love your life - no matter what state it's in, it's a blessing.

I pray you'll find your sweet spot and give yourself all you deserve.  I pray you can forgive yourself and receive all God has to offer in this life. 

 With love and negritude this morning, 

Rae

A Lesson From a Broken Lens

NP: "She Was Fly" by Full Crate & Mar

I was moving along last week at work and saw something worthy of a photo.  I pulled the camera from my bag - I keep it with me.  I learned early on, having it with me encouraged me to shoot.  Inevitably, if I didn't have it, I needed it.  So I pull the camera out, begin to focus and things are out of focus and I can't get them back into focus.  I twist and turn the lens a bit more only to discover the above findings.  

I'd broken my first camera lens.

I tried to piece it back together.  I tried to mend it.  I tried to fix it.  It was firing and well, there were still blurry photos.  I actually couldn't be that mad.  For the cost and for all the joy it's brought me, it did me well.  It's last official shoot was astounding (I'll share some of those with you soon).   The lens is still held together by a small strip but the sensors and chips in the lens don't like the fact they were separated in the first place.   As a result, I had to get a new lens.   I was slightly devastated.  I can't even lie. Just on principal.  However, this is one of those great lenses that's not too expensive - as far as lenses go. It put me back $133.  In camera life, tech life, that's pretty cheap.  

As mentioned in one of the earlier posts I began a new gig a couple of months ago.  When I started this new job, I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into.  It's just you never really know until you're fully into it.  Once I had made the leap, it was too late to reverse it.  It's not like the Mr. Cee's song and I yell "two hops this time! reverse reverse" and I'm back to where I was.  Nope.  I was all in. 

I won't even lie to you.  I love the work.  However, it's brutal.  It's just the hours at times and well the time and the hour, not to mention the learning curve.  There's nothing comparable about being AT work at 5am and still being relatively lost.   These 0 dark thirty mornings haven't gotten easier.  I can't say they're harder, but some days I want to stay home - or just sleep in (which now looks like 7am).   Needless to say these last couple of months have taught me quite a bit.  

It's just with the early mornings, I'm clear.  Clarity brings understanding.  I've figured out more in the last couple of months and identified lingering regrets and unspoken dreams.  At 4am, there's no choice but to be honest with myself.  Which makes me wonder - why didn't I do this earlier?  Why didn't I work harder for myself before and try and jump a little higher, a little farther?  It makes me wonder - and those are new questions to answer.  

With the early mornings, it makes me realize how important it is to do the things I love with the time I have.  To get up early - for myself.  To do the things I love - for myself. It's made me think about retirement, dreams and all of the things I need to get done and need to settle out so I can get to the next phase of my life. 

It's also pretty much weeded out bullshit.  I've always guarded my time.  However, hitting a milestone point and having a new level of accountability x an existing goal level makes for a good set of GTFOH.  Because time has become even more precious with the new hours, there's less room to tolerate my own bullshit.  It's amazing what a shift in schedule and a milestone age can do for you. 

In this moment, I've promised myself with this new level of frustration and anger (for having to be up so early) I'd make sure I finish this book.  I make sure I still take photos and do things that are important to me.  In fact, I've realized when I'm up this early, I can get in a few more photos of the things I used to miss while sleeping in and bullshitting.  I had to be thankful that with a new job, I could go out and buy the lens without thinking twice about it.  An investment in my sanity and in my personal work. My own goals and dreams are at the forefront.  Honestly, it's the way it should've been all this time.  If I can work and hustle, get up to be somewhere to work on someone else's project I can surely find the energy to put towards my own - even in the off hours, the few that I may have between. 

It's funny how a broken camera lens can teach.

Here's to knowing the early mornings and late nights are ours to create....

Love, 

Rae

Bending Over Backwards

It's August and with that, we're well over half of our year.  I'm not sure about you, but I don't know where the time has gone.  Truly.  I turned 40, started a new job, have been working on the book and here we are - at August. 

I happen to love August.  A couple of my favorite people on the planet made their earthly debuts this month so it holds a special place in my heart for those reasons.  Lately though, I've been feeling like things were shifting and changing.  In a good way - nonetheless still shifting and changing.  I'm sorting through photos and high-fiving some of them (like this one) and upset with others but that's the nature of things.  100 photos and more than likely I only *love* five.

Let me get to the point.....

I'm tired.  I had submitted this to an art show and they rejected it (their loss), but titled it "Bending Over Backwards" and well - it's relevant.  

I've reached a pinnacle, a nirvana of sorts where I'm not about to add all of this effort for things I don't want to fucking do.  If I want to do it great.  If I don't want to do it, I'm not doing it unless 1) God says I need to do it 2) It's a life or death matter 3) I realize it's a necessary evil for reaching a desired goal. 

I've also given up attempting to please people as a general rule.  Why? Well, most people are never happy.  It's best to find people who think you're amazing (and not in a yes-person sort of way but in a hey you're awesome and I love you but I'll still tell you when you're fucking up sort of way).  

That pretty much sums it up.  This is what happened when I  reached a certain point in my life. I can't even blame it on an age.  I've had enough of the bullshit and the whole bending over backwards business gets old.  Very old.  You end up tired and worn with nothing to show for it.  

These days, I'm all about the return on investment (even if it's intrinsic value) and sometimes having something to show for all of the work, the effort, the tears, the time and the effort I've been putting into place.  I can't and won't discourage you from doing from others - in fact I highly recommend it.  I just say there comes a point when you need to work things out in favor of your own life.  Or at least that's the narrative I've advised myself lately.  

The people, moments and things that matter most to me are what I'm focusing on these days. I can say with age, some sort of honing device kicks in because I've realized there might be less time than before, there might be less time with the people and the moments I want to hold close.  That's enough of an alarm for me.  

I happened to talk with my godmother today and as always she imparted some real wisdom. Hers is the kind of wisdom that has me taking notes and changing the current state of affairs. She always brings things into perspective and I'm thankful for it.  

Special note: this is my year to get my shit together. 

Remember, it's your life to live and create.  Your moments to spend as you choose.  Choose wisely.

What's important to you?  Who matters the most to you?  What are the most important moments for you?  Are you looking forward to something?  Looking forward to a moment? How's your year been? Planning for 2016?

Nearly 30 Things

In honor of my 40th Earth Anniversary, I wrote a post on the 10 Loveliest Moments of my life. Here is the next to complete the 40.  30 Things + Moments + Memories + Achievements + Milestones I'd Like to Reach and Experience ....over the next decade.  As I said in the last post, I'm not up for lessons this year.  I don't even know if I want to offer any advice.  This more so serves as a record of my life.  So many situations and circumstances where I used to believe one way and discovered I was absolutely incorrect.  It makes me want to sit my five dollar ass down somewhere and listen, soak in more knowledge, make every effort to do great things and live my life to the fullest.  

Through my thirties I was stressed out about relationships and men who weren't worth my time when I should've been focused on minding my business and well, minding my business. I was just searching for something that you don't find when you look for it.  You find it when you least expect it.  Even then, it may not quite turn out the way you'd like.  Expectations have changed and become different.   I'd like to think those mistakes and errors in judgment have resulted in me being able to see what's coming down the road.  I can understand when someone is bullshitting.  I understand when someone is sincere.  It's also why I tend not to waste time these days with the games people play.  Life has a way of changing you that way. For me, it's been for the better.  It's allowed me to sure myself up in many ways and get to the heart of what really matters. 

What matters for me?  Love, God, making a difference, surviving and being able to reach my full potential.  I'd also like to toss in great food, deep sweet naps, mind blowing sex, cheap wine and laughing. 

"Be anxious for nothing" has become the motto.  The level of patience I've learned to exhibit is astounding.  I mentioned it the other day some things (moments, situations) I wait for and other things I take the initiative and go for.  For the last couple of years or so, heading towards 40 has plunged me into this nesting phase.  Along with a milestone year, I've dealt with parents who are sick and dealing with my own personal goals, issues, demons and dreams. Really - it's been both lovely and to be honest - completely exhausting.  There's nothing like someone you love dealing with their own mortality to put your own list of dreams and things you want to do in perspective - and to the forefront.   While everyone says birthdays aren't a big deal, I find the idea of getting another year to see and do things in the world, another year to commune with others and enjoy God's creations - I find that to be a blessing.

Here are my (nearly) 30 things I'm looking forward to in the next decade.....

1. I'm looking forward to holding my first book in my hands (sooner rather than later). I'm on the short end of this process these days.  
2. Holding several more of my own books in my hands. 
3. Taking a photography class and workshop.  
4. Submit and present a TED Talk.  I have no idea what it'll be about or the subject, but I want to do it.  My dear friend @Socamom has offered to "hold the bucket" for me to temper my stage fright.  Really - I read a famous star used to throw up before every performance.  I'm not above it but she's promised to bedazzle a bucket for me and make sure I'm at least together before I get shoved out on stage. 
5. Buy | build | remodel a home. All of the above? I need a permanent place to call home. A permanent address.
6. Create a long term photoessay project, art project.  I'm still working on what it may be.  I have some ideas. A couple in particular.  
7. Publish beautiful fiction.
8. Two words: koi pond.  [see #6]
9. Purchase an original piece of artwork or a limited edition print by a favorite artist.  (Romare Bearden, Purvis Young, Carrie Mae Weems, Basquiat).
10. Decide on whether or not I'm going to nursing school. 
11. Travel across the country (with an Airstream in tow).
12. Travel.
13. Buy an airstream trailer (that might help).
14. Stop doing things that aren't of the highest order for my life. 
15. Grow my hair out to an epic length. 
16. Plant a garden. 
17. Keep a journal over the next decade. Update : I'm a few days in and I'm not totally failing. I'm not writing in it daily, but whatever. Life has been calling.
18. Take several epic vacations (preferably with a partner, one or two alone as well.)
19. Buy a Leica.
20. Early retirement.  My future husband and Airstream trailer will require time and attention.
21. Start my business.  See #1 and add photos to it. 
22. through 30 are reserved for additional items I don't even know I want to do yet, the secret wishes and prayers, the things I can only pray about, the room for evolution to do new things.

I'm sure I'm forgetting an entire series of things I want to do.  It happens.  There's another list of the private things I pray for, sincerely want and want to do.  The things that only God and the people closest to me know I want.  It's the things that I don't even know how to admit I want that are going to be the crux of this next 10 years. 

It's hilarious that this list was difficult.  This list will surely update as things change.  As I've gotten older, these lists are great but no one says I have to hold to it if there's something that needs to change.  The good thing about living and being free is you're free to change your mind, make an about face and do whatever it is your heart desires.  

I will meet you on the road.....

Yours in Negritude,

Rae xoxox

My 10 Loveliest Memories + Moments

On yesterday, I celebrated 40 good years on this here beautiful globe.  I tend to celebrate the entire month.  This time around, it's been different.  It was a quiet celebration.  Small moments meaning the world.  I spent my day taking photos and riding around.  I had Chik Fil A for lunch, because really, this is the 35th anniversary of my fifth birthday.  The most asked question yesterday and today was "how do you feel?"  My answer: amazing! I don't mind getting older. It's the younger years I look back on and am amazed that I made it this far.  I'm truly thankful, content and blessed.

I decided yesterday I need to actually appear more on the blog.  Photographers have a tendency to not always photograph ourselves.  Or I've found I do so less now.  But I still need to document myself and my life.  So I started yesterday officially.  Being in front of the camera teaches me about photographing others as well.  Part of the day was spent on my favorite set of railroad tracks with a tripod and my 50mm lens and a remote.  It was so funny as cars crossed the tracks and would slow down. I'm pretty sure someone stopped and took a photo of me taking photos of myself.   I love this picture because it's blurry (faves) and we can see it as the road that's behind me or any way to look at it.  In the coming years the challenge will be to also star more in my own art.  

I wanted to do something different this time around.  I've talked about lessons in love and life on previous birthdays.  I still have the lessons and many of them hold true. It's just there are all these gray areas these days.  I don't feel up to listing lessons.  It seems the more I learn, the less I know.  If you could locate all the fucks I have to give about non-important issues you'd likely be wealthy.  Whatever fucks I haven't already wasted or spent have been allocated on myself, the important people in my life and my personal and business endeavors.  

I'll venture out to say things get hazy and crystal clear at the same time.  The things you most need to see and pay attention to present themselves.  It's as if you see them for the first time. 

So this year, I'm listing ten (10) of the most important moments in my life and in the next post I'll list 30 moments or things I'm looking forward to in this next decade.

10 Lovliest Memories + Moments 

1.  My grandparents.  Man, I have stories upon stories with these folks.  From road trips to Eutaw, Alabama and Atlantic City to driving across country to California.   They provided me with the basis for how I see the world. I see the world through their vintage eyes and with their love. It was a blessing I couldn't have ever imagined. God knew. They gave this little girl a foundation to stand on - and now, more than ever I'm thankful for it. 

2.  Moving from Birmingham to The DMV. Two days before I left I was robbed. Then still gathered the money and pushed forward. My friend at the time bailed. I drove a uhaul with a car hitched behind it and with about $300 in my pocket. The job I wanted - offered me less and I turned it down. I found another one and well, the rest is history. But it was harrowing and I don't advise moving this way. However, I was trying to get to something better. I did.  It taught me a lot about myself.  I was 25 and crazy.  Again, I don't recommend managing things this way.  However, surviving it made me tougher, better.

3.  Meeting this one man who managed to change my life and then set me on a course to be a better me. I'm thankful for his presence. Sometimes, people are there to help you move to the next phase of your life - whether you like it or not. I can honestly say he's played a key part in that transition.  If you're reading this my dear Surly Curmudgeon, I love you and I thank you.

4.  Working for the job I just quit. My last day at this job was a couple of days ago. I was able to meet amazing people, learn, become emotionally and spiritually stable, care for an ill parent, find sure footing, met friends who became family, re-ignited my creative side + my interest for photography and this job led me to the man in #3 and then to the new job that begins on Monday. 

5.  Visiting Nigeria. That was the moment I knew I needed another camera. I cried when I left. I wanted to stay, explore and find out what the land had to tell me. Omowale - the child has come home. Dont ever let anyone tell you that you don't need to visit Subsaharan Africa. You do. As a Black girl, there's something about being able to touch down on the continent and spend time there. You're never the same again.

6.  Buying a camera. This goes without saying, but purchasing this little Canon T3 completely changed my life.  It gave me something to look forward to doing.  It's given me an additional way to showcase the beauty in the world, capture memories and even create them.  It makes me want to get to places just to see them and bring them back with me.  It's helped my writing and it allows me to show others the world through my eyes without saying a word.  

7.  Starting a blog and putting my work into the unisphere. About four years ago, I started my first blog that I was actually willing to share.  I had started others, but wouldn't dare tell anyone about them.  It was time.  I was calling myself a writer - I just wasn't writing.  Writers write.  Part of that may only be for ourselves.  I selfishly need to write.  It helps me work many things through.  I return to something I've written and am amazed at the insight on the page.  I've had times I needed a good word to get me through and returned to my own writing and it helped me. Here's the thing - putting it out there and connecting with others helped me make new and amazing friends, connect with other creatives and has encouraged me to greater things. 

8.  Went to counseling.  Without waxing poetic too much, I'm an advocate of fully caring for yourself.  Physically and mentally.  I knew 40 was coming and I wanted to avoid the "wigging out" that I've seen many go through.  So, when life decided to crash around me at 37 I decided it was time.  Those few months of heading to counseling made all the difference.  It helped me fix parts of my foundation where there were leaks versus thinking I needed to burn the house down.  

9.  All of those seemingly ordinary moments we tend to take for granted.  Sitting with friends and having coffee.  Laughing with loved ones who are no longer here.  I miss being able to see my grandmother and take her for pizza.  Being able to sit in comfortable silence with someone you love. Reaching for my man from across the bed and wrapping myself around him as he sleeps.  Clean sheets.  Fresh, hot coffee.  Ice cold sangria.  Perfect lasagna.  A good night's sleep. Sunsets. Sunrises. Waterways. Alleys. Vintage things.  Babies. Puppies.  Kittens.  Kisses. Tight hugs. Good Indian food.  Sweet potato pies on porches. Long drives with no destination. Ice cream in random places.  Incense. Candles.  Snow.  Ice.  Raindrops.  Hot showers. Expensive soaps.  Station wagons.  Road trips.  Music.  Walks.  This list alone could be endless.  It's all of the sweet and ordinary moments that create our lives.  Those times we tend to ignore but shouldn't. I'm thankful for those.

10.  Turning 40.  It's been such an amazing ride.  Talking with my parents we all marvel at the general atrocities life throws at you and have been amazed at the grace of God.  I look back and the only thing that helps me add up how I've managed to survive is God's grace.  That's it. I mean sure, I've made a few good choices in my life, but without God I can't say anything would have come of my life.  Each of the moments above I attribute to Him (Her if you feel better about it).  

Well, here's to more of doing what we love and creating the moments that make our lives a good one.  Sending you love! 

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Life + Writing Prompts Vol V

Along the way of working on the prompts, after a few installments, I decided to post the remainder of the prompts at one time. This post has a mismosh of life prompts and actions.  It's important.  Because I'm all about love and living your best life, these prompts are dedicated to both and some are dedicated to a little bit of imagination.  

What do I mean by Best Life? I mean reaching a place where you enjoy your life.  You're not reaching back in the past for lost moments.  You're not always anticipating the future.  You're content where you are while appreciating what's happened and are looking forward to the future.  Your best life can look different at different moments.  What I needed or wanted in my twenties changed in my thirties.  On the brink of my forties there's another shift beginning and I suspect it may change again.  There's no right way, there's no one answer and you have the ability to change your mind, change your course at any moment.  Always keep that in mind. If you want to change your life and you're reading this, you have the power to do so.

1.  What does it mean for you to live your best life? List the components of what you believe looks like the life you want to live.  Now, write down what you believe is holding you back.  Do you think you need more money? A partner? More education? A better wardrobe? Most times, our best lives hinge on the smaller things and making the most (and best) from what we have. 

2.  What do you think of your life right now?  Is it amazing? Are you satisfied? This isn't a trick question but a gauge. It's a barometer to better understand where you are in this moment.  It took me some time to be able to manage through my issues.  My twenties and most of my thirties were spent trying to hold on and figure life out. There were many dark nights of soul.  There were many moments of insecurity. However, I'm a firm believer in attitude, prayer, faith and a lot of hard work.  Somehow, I'm here today to write and talk about it.

3.  As the days pass, we have to understand there's something about getting to that moment where things begin to fall into place.  Let's talk about your long and short term goals.  What do they look like?   By short term we're talking five (5) years and by long term we're talking ten (10).  This isn't a new concept.  People talk about it all the time.  But here, I need you to describe what your life will look like in five and ten years.  

4.  What's your current living space look like?  Is it liveable?  Goal : unfuck your space.  Clean it.  When you're in a good place and the space is clean, you can think.  I've mentioned this before, but it's so important to have a place where you like to be.  Buy a new set of sheets from Marshalls, Target or wherever. Get yourself a good meal.  Sometimes we have to break things back down to the simple basics. 

5.  Who are the people who have been there for you and who've been a blessing to you?  I'd like you to send them a thank you card and a small gift.  The gift can be under $20 but send them something thoughtful - a journal, a candle. a bottle of wine / whisky / flask, a gift card to Starbucks or a small store.  But something small.  Please note: You're not allowed to send me anything.  You have to pick someone that's not me.  I have to say that because some of y'all will mail stuff - you know who you are....

6.  I was talking with a good friend of mine one day and he told me that every day, he does one thing he wants to do. Not something he has to do, but wants to do. Today, and for seven days after this I'd like you to do one thing you want to do each day.  It could be sitting at a bookstore and reading, taking a long walk or nap (both?), sitting down and organizing something or even doing something creative.  It can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it's something you've been wanting to do. 

7.  I don't believe we have to travel far or great to have the best experiences or to learn.  Have you visited the free museums in your area?  The parks?  Other spaces? A local farmer's market? A specialty grocer? There's something about heading to local attractions within your city or town.  Make a list places that are within an hour of your home (longer if you're rural) and plan out a few day trips. 

8.  Tell two (2) people you love them.  Give them a word of encouragement and thank them for being in your life.

9.  If you know of someone in need today, please offer a helping hand.  Even if it's the donation of your time.  It doesn't have to be money. Offer to babysit, run errands, cook a meal, clean up or just head over there to sit and talk.  People in need don't always ask for help. I'm sure if you look around and you typically don't have to look far, you'll find a close friend in need of a bit of love and assistance.

10.  Write five (5) writing prompts for yourself.  My gmail notes, Evernote, notebooks and other elusive places are filled with ideas.  If you're anything like me, there's something everywhere.  Inspiration everywhere. use what you have.

11.  Time waits for no man.  We're often waiting for someone to encourage us, do things with us, tell us that we're enough.  So here it is, I encourage you, you have the power to do it and you're enough.  List 10-20 things you're putting off because you've been waiting for someone else's approval or arrival.  Go get your shit done.

12.  When we talk about best life and such, sometimes it means there are things we need to let go.  What is it you need to let go?  

13.  Write about the best day you've had.  You can choose any day.  What made it good?  Was it the place?  The people? What were you doing?  I've read that when you have those amazing moments, you attempt to recreate them as often as possible.  This is why it's important to think about them. 

14.  Challenge: sit at dinner with your significant other or best friend or yourself and don't use your phone.  Don't even look at or touch your phone. 

15.  Say the word no. Maybe you have something coming up that you really aren't into, just don't want to do.  We have to learn how to politely decline offers, situations and things.  Just practice it today.  But say it. 

16.  Part of feeling and being empowered can begin with something small.  What makes you feel powerful?  What makes you feel beautiful?  Is it eating better? Working out?  Getting a massage?  A mani pedi?  Getting your hair done?  Do something for yourself that's small but is the basis of making you feel better.  I know for me, I love getting a mani pedi.  I also feel amazing after I've worked out.  It makes having the pizza feel that much better because I've worked to be able to have it.

17.  Say yes.  What have you been turning down that you've always wanted to do?  What have you been talking yourself out of?  Or have you been afraid to try new things?  Say yes.  Learning to say yes - happily - is just as important as learning to say no.  

18.  Go to the doctor.  So many of us avoid the doctor because we don't want them to tell us that we have to lose weight, we should stop eating the way we're eating, we need to work on making some changes.  Maybe you've had bad experiences with the doctor, but I'm a believer in making sure your health is in order.  You can't have the best life when you avoid and neglect your health.  It means getting tested, listening, being honest and being ready to make changes.  If you're not insured, sometimes there are places that offer low to no cost physicals.  In DC, Bread for the City does excellent work and care.  It's so important to take good care of ourselves.  The body you have is the only one you'll get in this lifetime.  It has to take you where you need to go.  Do right by it. 

19.  This is more a piece of advice than it is anything else.  Determine to be happy.  I actually am prone to episodes of melancholy.  I had to find things that would and could snatch me out of that space.  For me? It's sharing here, writing and taking photos.  I didn't realize when I bought the camera what it would do for me. It's been a friend and a companion and a way to see the world.  It's kept me moving.  It's kept me inspired. For some they don't quite understand it, but there has to be a determination to be happy.  This is barring any sort of true clinical depression or anything (that's a very different scenario and during those times we have to seek professional help).  Determine that you will have a good life.  Making that decision alone can change everything.

20.  This is also a piece of advice.  It's all up to you.  There's no one else on the hook for your life.  You are the captain of this ship.  You can complain, fuss, choose to not make choices (which is a choice) but at the end of it all, it will have been up to you.  There are many people who have risen from the ashes to go on to do great things with their lives, with what seemed like nothing.  It's the movement and the determination that will carry you. Be tenacious about your life. 

So that ends the series of prompts.  I do hope they've at least made you think, take a few moments to consider things in your life.  It's important for us to make the best of it, make the most of it and still enjoy the time we have on this earth while leaving a legacy.  I'm thankful to have reached this point in my life.  I feel more confident, more sure about the things I want to do and where I am.  I wish you all the possible good, joy and love you can stand. 

With Love, 

Rae

If you're just discovering the prompts, here are the previous installments:

Vol I

Vol II

Vol III

Vol IV

Life + Writing Prompts Vol IV

"I'm open to all God has for me" 

How open are you?  What if God told you to let go of what was in your hands in order to give you more?  What if God wanted to see how you'd manage the current problems before you could advance to other areas of your dreams?

This post was difficult to write because it's not exactly in the form of formal prompts.  It's more so an ode to getting through our problems, loss and the awful moments we don't anticipate, the circumstances and perceived obstacles to bless us, teach us something about ourselves and move us further into who we're truly meant to be.  

What happens when we get off track? What happens when your path isn't clear? How do we turn life's detours and setbacks into something that can work for us? How can we take problems and come out of them stronger and better?

Talking with my father years ago, he mentioned adversity would make me stronger. I didn't want to hear that as a 23 year old woman struggling in school, money and trying to figure out how to eat.  I was livid. Turns out he was right. 

Who I am today has a lot to do with my upbringing and what I've thankfully and blessedly survived. 

So, first thing I have to impart is you need to live to tell the tale. That's the most important thing. If it doesn't kill you, you can get through it. Much of it is up to our attitudes, how we choose to look at things, who we choose to surround us in our lives.  It also means, you have to use your discernment to determine when and if someone should be in your life.  I've spent a lot of precious time holding on to things and situations that didn't want to be held.  Sometimes the difficulty was a way of getting me to let go.  Sometimes things get difficult in order for you to let them go.  Why is it we think things have to be difficult in order to be good?  Let me be clear, in any endeavor worth pursuing, there's going to be difficulty and hardship.  There will be things we have to get past and get over.  However, the entire time spent on an endeavor, a job, a relationship, a goal, should not be on managing problems.  There should be some enjoyment.  Drama is no one's ultimate destination.

All of this is critical. 

I was talking with Shefon who is such a bright light. I love her. And she briefly mentioned the notion of writing the key components to turning your bad into good and making lemonade when all you have is stacks of lemons.  I've talked about taking the death grip off of hope before and then as I was thinking about this next set of prompts about turning what we consider the bad into good, I was thinking about how maybe sometimes God uses those situations in order to help you along with your decision making.

Maybe you're having a hard time because it's a test.  Maybe you're having a hard time because there's something that needs to be developed in you.  Maybe you're having a hard time because it's not the time to work on that project or have that relationship.  Maybe you're having a hard time because it's time to let it go.  Discomfort signals something needs to be fixed or an action needs to be taken. There's an art to handling tragedy or the things we deem as "bad" and turning it into something good and prosperous.  In fact, I'd like to think it's part of that book of talents.  Can you take this wreck and do something with it?

1.  How do you handle loss, difficult moments and disappointment?  Do you shut down and play dead?  Do you go off?  Do you spend money, over eat, drink, etc?  I recently realized how I'm dealing with crisis differently than I used to.  It took a series of crises to get me to a different point.  A set of evolutionary tales to make me ask whether or not I valued myself and how I'd choose to make decisions going forward.  How do you respond when something negative happens?  Write down the different ways you've responded in an emergency or in a crisis (your own situation, that of a loved one).  Have you evolved over time? Writing out and taking time to consider how you respond can help you understand yourself.

2.  Learning how to manage our immediate response to something can change our lives.  There's a time to respond immediately (life saving, quick thinking in business) and there are times when we need to take a moment before we take action.  Action item: if someone says or does something this week that upsets you, take a moment before you respond.  Remember, once something is said, it can't be taken back.

3.  Think of something that's recently happened in your life.  What can you make of it?  Is there anything good that comes from it?  Is there anything you can glean from it? For me, I came to the conclusion that certain people were put in my life to show me love, others were put in my life to make strong.  Situations are often more about us that others.  

4. Managing regret. I've written about this a few times. Regrets can come back and replay themselves over and over again.  We get hung up on a certain moment, we get stuck there - replaying if we could've changed it. If we could've done better.  I've done it way too many times.  List two (2) major regrets.  These would be journal entries.  Then write about how the moment changed your life.  Have you been able to help others because of that moment?  Are you possibly better off and more mature because of it?  I tend to be the one who's happy she has a glass.  Not that it's full or half full, but that there's a glass.  My moments of regret - some of them very large - have changed the way I manage the relationships in my life, regrets have changed my heart.  I have to say, the regrets opened me up to being more of myself.

Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.

~Steven Pressfield

5. Clearing space. There are times when we can't always pull our thoughts together.  Mind is cluttered.  Most often it might begin with something else being cluttered.  Action: CLEAN. Undo that mess that's sitting somewhere in your house, your car or office.  Sort through your mail.  Make necessary calls.  Whatever is pending.  Sometimes, we cause problems by thinking things will magically improve or get better when it requires work, faith and humility on our part.  Things don't get better unless we work for them to get better.  We have to face the things we most don't want to face sometimes.

The day you decide to wake up your life will be waiting for you. There'll be work to do, problems to solve, but there will also be blessings to be had, moments to savor. It's yours. But in order to live our life to its fullest potential, much of it is solving problems.  Time won't wait for you.  Life continues on.  Are you waiting for things to get better before you starting living?  Are you waiting to accomplish something before you allow yourself to experience something else fully?  That one part of a good life hinges on another?  That maybe you think life can't be good when you're broke, sick or heartbroken?  It can be good - but we have to weather the moments. 

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

— Joan Didion

There will be a set of eight volumes of the writing and journaling prompts.  To catch up on the previous editions of the writing prompts, see the links below:

Life & Writing Prompts Vol I

Life & Writing Prompts Vol II

Life & Writing Prompts Vol III